SPEAKER_01
0:20 Welcome back. 0:21 This is day four of five things your wife or future wife needs from you as a leader. 0:27 Today we are talking about your words. 0:30 To lead your family well, your wife needs you to use your words and use them wisely. 0:36 Men, your words carry weight, real weight. 0:40 Whether it's at home, at work, or hanging out with friends, or discipling your kids, they weigh heavy. 0:48 The question is, what kind of heavy are your words? 0:53 Maybe you lead big things at work, or you are in charge of a lot of people and it requires harsh words to get the job done. 1:02 So what do you do with that energy when you roll up to the house at 6 PM, ready to take on that second job as husband and dad? 1:10 Do you continue the barking? 1:13 Or do you figure out how to leave all that at the office, putting on the gentle giant face when you walk in the door? 1:20 I know it is a struggle because I have had many conversations with Joby about it. 1:25 Some not so gentle but necessary conversations. 1:29 One of the things I learned quickly after we had launched the Church of 1122, and Joby was suddenly in 10 meetings a day and in charge of everything was that he walked in with a different posture in the evenings. 1:43 It was very different than being in charge of youth group. 1:46 Lots of laughing and silliness allowed a very smooth, happy-go-lucky transition to home and kids in the evening. 1:52 But sitting in a room full of adults trying to figure out how to steer this ship that launched ten times larger than we expected, that yielded a different demeanor at the end of the day. 2:03 Thoughts were still reeling, anger and frustration still permeating the air around him. 2:09 And then his words. 2:11 He started speaking to me in a different tone. 2:14 Everything was elevated or sounding like demands and instructions versus a loving partnership. 2:20 One evening, when Joby, the loving husband and father we all knew and loved, didn't enter the house and some other version did, I just gently took his arm and said, Have you been in a lot of meetings today? 2:34 I didn't even have to say anything else. 2:37 He knew immediately what he had sounded like to me and the kids, and that's all it took. 2:42 And I'd like to say that's how I always handled things, with gentle, loving kindness. 2:48 But I would be lying. 2:50 Now, let me be clear: Joby has never ever intentionally been mean or vindictive with his words to me or the kids. 2:57 He has never talked down to me or the kids, and he has never tried to use words to harm or hurt us. 3:04 But I have. 3:05 Some of my biggest regrets have been my words early on in our marriage. 3:10 I've said some harsh things to Joby and the kids. 3:13 I have attacked him with my words out of frustration and anger more times than I'd like to admit. 3:20 I don't do that anymore, praise God. 3:22 But for years it was my mode of attack, especially when I felt like he was winning the argument. 3:29 Words can change everything about a relationship with your wife, your kids, your coworkers. 3:35 When you walk into the room, does peace walk in with you? 3:39 Or is everyone on edge not knowing what version of you they will be getting? 3:44 There are over 100 passages in the Bible that directly reference how to use your words. 3:50 So it's a big deal to God what comes out of your mouth. 3:54 Because what you speak is what you think, and what you think reveals your true heart. 4:00 Matthew 12, 34 says, For out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. 4:06 Your words will reveal your true self. 4:09 So what are you saying? 4:11 Your words can either build up your relationship or they can destroy your relationship. 4:16 Ephesians 4 29 says, Let no corrupt talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up. 4:25 A gentle, gracious tone goes a long way. 4:28 I've seen it in my words to Joby, and I have felt it with the kindness and loving way he speaks to me. 4:34 Proverbs 16, 24 says, Gracious words are like honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and healthy to the body. 4:42 Most arguments begin because words are spoken. 4:46 Not a lot of fights happen in silence. 4:49 Husbands and dads, maybe the best way to lead your family well is to not use your words. 4:56 There were many times I wanted Joby to retaliate with his words after I fired off some not so nice things. 5:03 But he never would. 5:05 Not once in 26 years. 5:07 And it took about 15 years for me to understand why. 5:12 He was leading even in the silence. 5:15 It's hard to fight when the other person doesn't fight back. 5:19 So maybe if she is the fighter, you lead by not fighting back. 5:26 Be the lead repenter. 5:28 Be the lead encourager, but also be the lead disciple. 5:33 Don't just expect to show up at church and let them disciple your kids. 5:37 It begins with you. 5:38 The foundation of your kids' faith needs to start in the home. 5:43 And that requires words. 5:45 You pray over your kids every night, read scripture with your kids, have conversations about their faith. 5:51 You believe that it's your job to teach them how to throw a baseball or football, or teach them how to ride a bike or surf or hunt or fish. 6:00 You don't depend on anyone else to show your kids how to do these things. 6:03 How much more important is their faith in Jesus than all of those things? 6:08 Joby said in a sermon recently: the greatest threat to a church is not all the corruption and attacks that come from the outside. 6:17 Churches have overcome outside attacks since the beginning, and that isn't changing anytime soon. 6:23 The greatest threat to a church is apathy and complacency from within. 6:28 And I believe this is true for families as well. 6:31 Men don't be complacent and don't assume your family knows how you feel. 6:37 Speak words of love, kindness, encouragement, truth, and life to your family. 6:42 If you lead with that, the harder, more disciplinary, stern, and serious conversations will carry more weight because they will be received from a place of knowing that they are loved by you. 6:55 Proverbs 1218 says, the words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. 7:03 Men, your wife needs your words to bring healing. 7:08 You may be a giant in many things, but at home, use gentleness and self-control as you speak to and lead your family. 7:17 Amen.